A guildie of mine, Rhinjet, the amazing feral kitty, has indulged me and has written a follow-up to my sarcastic post, but this time it’s the opposite of what mine was about. Thank you for the hilarious post, Rhinjet! Even if I still think you’re calling me a bad tank.

Things I Learned About Tanking From DPS

When requesting my dps services for your random pick-up group, please inquire more and more about my spec. I understand that 3.0 came out such a long time ago and the concept of a dps feral druid is near insanity. Honestly, I’m not interested in tanking, truly. I want to dps.

Once you hit 30k unbuffed health… you should really just get more health. Your threat per second really doesn’t matter at that point. I usually block out about a hour and a half for twenty minute dungeon runs because I need to “wait for five sunders before dpsing”.

When you pick up a mob or a boss and there’s nothing dangerous on the floor, please feel free to continue to dance around the room with them – constantly changing the boss’ perspective. I don’t want err… need to be behind the boss to shred, really. I’m just too embarrassed because I’m not expertise capped.

When tanks are chain-pulling and someone happens to die (more than likely their own fault – you shouldn’t be expected to hold all four mobs till each of them have five sunders), you should keep chain-pulling. Your healer will just need to quit that silly rez and run up to heal you. The dead should just always run back, regardless of how far you’re in the instance.

On the other hand, you should pull slow sometimes too. Please make sure that each and every mob is marked and just spam that kill order again and again. Sure, some know that the skull is the first to die but we’re just stupid dps, really. We mash one button over and over and over again. We need that constant reminder. Oh, and just after a pull and you’ve got a full rage bar, please feel free to sit around and let all that silly rage go away. We want your character nice and calm for the next pull.

When pulling the next trash mobs, please just charge right in and then, don’t move. DPS needs to worry themselves about getting behind each mob as well as making sure we aren’t pulling a patrol that’s right around the corner. And if the dps, by some miraculous act of God, happen to spot the patrol and run away in time, you stay right where you’re planted. And if the healer pulls aggro due to the heal spam that’s hitting you – well, they just need to learn to fade or shadowmeld; heck, shamans and paladin have their own shields, too!

As a tank, you can usually use all weapons and all sets of armor. You should take this as a challenge and a right. I know some think that feral/hunter staff might be best for us but what if you’re shield is red and you need a two-hander quickly to cleave? We, dps, should just understand.

When the tank does his target marking we should follow them no matter what the situation. So the next pull has a healer and it’s been labeled last in the kill order. Big deal! By pure virtue of speccing a tank, the tank knows exactly how and when everything should die; we don’t – we mash one button. So when the healing mob keeps filling up the plate wearing mob we’re hitting, we just need to dps harder!

Feel free to go afk, tab out, or just stand there while furiously responding to your paramours in whispers. Clearing the dungeon is secondary to your schedule and everyone else needs to adhere to it because nothing happens without THE TANK! You’re a tank! The most beloved and sought-after class in the game. You can find another group in an instant. All dps are whiny, pathetic twelve-year-olds staring at their female character’s back-sides, amirite?!

When doing a boss, your strategies are always best. Look – you’re the tank and the group lives or dies by your decision making. If everyone can’t see your inherent intelligence simply because you specced protection, then they are clearly bad at this game.

When requesting my tanking services for your random pick-up group, please inquire about all of my stats. You may not realize this, but you need 30k unbuffed health and the heroic Yogg-Saron achievement in order to successfully complete heroic Azjol-Nerub. It’s science!

The higher dps you do, the less you should worry about your threat. When you finally hit the 5-7k dps range, just go ahead and uninstall Omen. If you pull aggro, complain it’s not your fault you’re the more solid player.

Always stand in front of the mob. It’s a little known fact that hugging the tank makes your dps higher. And if those mean nay-sayers retort about a cleave, just cheerfully pip up with, “But I’m no warrior!”

If a tank is chain-pulling, he is clearly a jerk that doesn’t realize you need a full mana bar for every trash pull. In this situation, you should demand that he stop after every pull. For special emphasis, you should create a yell macro. If he doesn’t slow down any, as a last resort, just call him terrible.

On the other hand, if you feel the tank is pulling too slow, you are fully entitled to pull for him. Don’t worry, he’ll thank you for helping him out. All he has to do is press some tanky buttons when a few groups start chaotically frolicking towards your healer, so it’s not a big deal, right?

If a tank says “LOS pull,” it’s actually a foreign acronym that translates roughly to mean “dps pull.” And remember, you’re doing the tank a favor by dpsing that caster that’s shooting shadowbolts around the corner, so if the tank yells at you, tell him he needs to learn to play.

If you see a pack of mobs patrolling nearby, you should hurry up and pull it! Hurry, now! Go go, it might get away for good!

AoE is more effective if you begin before the tank can ever fully hit all the mobs. After all, tanks have the easiest jobs; all they have to do is hit one button and they have eternal aggro on all mobs immediately. And if they lose aggro, well then, call them bad.

If the tank asks if you’re ready to pull the boss, tell them you are, even if you aren’t really. Be sure to wait until he pops his cooldowns in preparation to pull before screeching he has to wait for your mana. Again: science!

If a tanking weapon or stamina item drops, you’re allowed to roll need on it for PvP. Tanks need to quit being selfish twats and realize the game doesn’t evolve around them. Besides, PvE players are all scrubs, so you deserve it more, anyhow!

If the tank marks skull, point and laugh at him. Make it clear you are mocking him because focus-fire is never, ever needed these days, as AoE is king. If your tank tries to explain some nonsense about healing and special abilities, just ignore him and AoE anyhow.

Feel free to go afk, tab out, or just stand there while furiously responding to your paramours in whispers. This is just a game, after all. Who does the tank think he is, telling you he’ll kick you if you don’t dps? I mean, first he tells you you’re dpsing too hard and pulling aggro, and now he’s telling you to start dps? All tanks are whiny little prima donnas, seriously.

Link the dps meters consistently. Preferably after every trash pull. You need everyone to know you’re carrying this group, fo real.

When doing a boss, your strategies are always best. Even if the rest of the group does it the tank’s way, yours is clearly better. Argue until they realize you’re smarter.

Disclaimer: this post is in no way sarcastic. That was also sarcasm.