Dearest Applicants,

As an officer of a raiding guild, I want to dedicate this post to all of you individuals who have applied to any raiding guild, and I think I speak for all officers when I say your written masterpieces are the finest in this virtual world of dragon-slaying. I want to sincerely thank you for making recruiting immensely easier. I think everyone can learn a thing or two from the experts of application-writing.

You’re right, of course, about WWS/WMO parses being an unnecessary requirement. My apologies to you for contradicting your claims of being a good player by asking for one. If you say you’re good, I should just automatically assume you are. And if I question your rotation, the obvious answer is the the “right rotation,” because everyone knows this most basic information. You are the best at your class, which should totally be obvious by your super-special purples as displayed in your armory.

I also should know better than to ask for dps numbers. Telling me you’re always top five in your current guild’s raids gives me a clear, accurate number of what sort of player you are, since, of course, I raid with you, right? And answering my request for a rough estimate of how much dps you do with “good dps” is also an universally acceptable answer.

You’re clearly the superior individual, so please make us aware of this from the beginning of your application. Insult my guild members and myself when we ask you questions regarding questionable talent builds, rotations, and itemization. You’re totally right! Since when do you have to actually be a walking encyclopedia to join a raiding guild? It’s just a video game, and you, sir, really need to put us in our places and tell us how it is. So if anyone asks you questions you can’t or don’t feel like answering, you are in your right to just call the guild bad or accuse people of living in basements.

Guild applications also aren’t English papers, so please don’t bother spending any time making sure you’ve spelled words correctly. In fact, while you’re at it, completely ignore the concept of punctuation. Language is an ever-evolving thing, and I’m clearly the bigger idiot for not realizing this. You’re applying to a raiding guild, after all, not to participate in a spelling bee. Who cares if your application is a giant wall of text comprised of incoherent babble? I can armory you, so it doesn’t really matter if I can understand you, after all.

It is also perfectly acceptable to not answer every question on an application. It’s not your fault we don’t make our applications in an easily-understandable, multiple choice format. In fact, just skip around and answer any questions that don’t require thought. For extra bonus points, just go through and answer any open-ended questions with “yes.”

Please ignore all the stickied threads that explain my guild’s raiding schedule, philosophies, expectations, and rules. You’re a pretty smart guy/gal since you’ve realized I wrote them just out of mere boredom, instead of for your benefit. In fact, after skipping over all threads, please consult me or another officer in game to ask about our schedules, recruiting needs, and progression, and preferably consult me during a raid. If you want to skip this step, just go ahead and apply but answer the “can you make our raids?” question with a written shrug or a “wat time do u raid” question of your own.

I should understand when you apply to other guilds besides mine. You’re testing the water, as you say, and you’re doing the smart thing by applying to as many guilds as possible. Feel free to stretch out the application process as long as possible, that way you can sort through which you were accepted to and rank them in order of preference. And if all those top 100 ranked guilds deny you, please get back to us as soon as possible. We totally want to be your last resort.

And last of all, who honestly cares if you put a lot of effort into your application or not? This is a video game, and if we can’t realize that, we need to go outside and see some sun, clearly. You’re not applying for an impressive job in real life, you’re applying to an internet guild with internet people killing internet bosses. We take ourselves way too seriously if we expect you to display a good attitude and a willingness to do everything you can to contribute to the overall success of your team’s progress. So instead, go join a less structured guild and cry when it falls apart, and then complain you can’t get into a good raiding guild. In fact, re-apply to us; we’ll understand!

Sincerely,
A Very Disgruntled Recruitment Officer

/edit/-> This post was intended to be a stab at something humorous, but sarcasm is sometimes misconstrued. If you are actually interested in constructive application tips, please read my guide here. Thanks!

I’ve always wanted to do a sort of guilty pleasures/confessions list, and between not having time to write a decent post before work, and my desire to have a lighter, less serious post, here you go!